Egocentrism: The Stage Piaget Forgot

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Jean Piaget's inclination to base his theory of cognitive development on the progressive stages he observed in the behaviors of his own children pretty well guaranteed that everyone past "a certain age" would get passed over by his system.  Not only was he never able to observe his kids when they were older than he was - a bizarre but interesting notion - but, in addition, back in the early 1900s, there weren't many people old enough to have entered this proposed fifth stage as part of a natural developmental progression.

I began to become increasingly aware of the "egocentrism stage" as my own father moved through his 80s and 90s on his way to the century mark.  The egocentrism stage is marked by an increasing certainty that you are right about everything. But, unlike politicians and religious fundamentalists who often make these claims regardless of age, "egocentrists" don't make their claims in the absence of data. Rather their claims are based on the notion that their own longevity has exposed them to all the necessary data to support whatever claims they chose to make. No further data is required. Been there, done that. My unique data is sufficient to support my assertion.

A couple of examples:

When Dad was into his eighties - maybe even a touch older - we were playing golf.  The foursome behind us drove a ball fairly close to our position. Golf etiquette calls for a glance back at the following group, who usually wave and non-verbally indicate "Sorry!" And the game goes on. That tradition was observed. But after we teed off on the next hole and the following foursome of middle-aged business types approached Dad remarked in his finest professorial voice, "Hit that one a bit close, eh, boys?"  Sort of a "tradition be damned, I'll decide when comment is necessary" perspective. Under ideal conditions I would have invited them to play through, but the course was already pretty crowded so it wouldn't have made any difference. Instead, I just quickly waved, and as I was driving the cart, sent us scurrying down the fairway. 

Around that same time my wife and I took Dad to one of our favorite galleries, sadly now much altered, in Long Grove, Illinois.  Dad seemed to be enjoying himself amidst the paintings, sculpture and jewelry.  But then he paused before an admittedly rather strange contemporary piece hanging on the wall. After a moment of reflection he announced in a voice that easily carried to the owner at the front desk - and anyone in between: "Well. I wouldn't hang that in my toilet!" His notion seemed to be that if you hang it here, I have every right to tell you what I think of it. And loudly.

But the egocentrism stage rests not so much on intentional rudeness, as it does on an inclination to give the knee-jerk certainties in our head free access to our vocal cords.  And at the same time, giving little if any thought as to how our words might impact others. Most often it is not a good thing.

Toddlers, as they move blithely through Piaget's earlier stages, have to be taught how to be civil in society - another concept that currently seems sadly much altered. But as adults, who are all hopeful of reaching the age when egocentrism rears its unpleasant head, we need to consciously confront looming egocentrism. At mere months shy of 69, I occasionally feel its early stirrings. I mean, I'm right. Right? :-) The challenge, as implied in the previous paragraph, is to not give those egocentric certainties unfettered access to your vocal cords.

The fourth tenet of Distilled Harmony - Oppose Harm - speaks to this issue. When we consider opposing harm, we most often think about confronting the "bad guy."  However, in this instance - to quote Walt Kelly's famous 1971 line from Pogo - "We have met the enemy, and he is us!” Hence, in this instance, opposing harm can benefit from an ancient concept, now often attributed to Thumper the rabbit in Disney's 1942 classic Bambi: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." 

Being pleasant isn't always easy, and apparently it becomes more difficult when the "certainties" we acquire over an increasingly long life come into conflict with the differing perceptions of others. We all have a friend or acquaintance deep in the throes of egocentrism. My advice is to keep them in mind, listen to the words that come out of their mouths, especially the ones that bruise. Do not speak those words.  Do not become that person.

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