Tasers for Teachers

.

[Prologue:  Back in 1977, those callow days before the Internet and email, Don Novello aka Saturday Night Live’s  Father Guido Sarducci published a little 160 page book titled The Lazo Letters: The Amazing Real-Life Correspondence of Lazlo Toth: American. To quote Amazon: "In letters to stars, dignitaries, and chairmen of the country's most powerful organizations, Don Novello's alter ego Lazlo Toth pestered his victims for photographs, offered outlandish advice, fired off strange inquiries, and more. The strangest part? Practically everyone answered, leaving Toth with a hilarious collection of outlandish correspondence unmatched in the history of American letters.”   

The book truly is a riot and is still in print. I recommend it highly. Lazlo’s occasionally tortured prose only heightens the impact of his often misguided passion. But beneath the brilliant satire lies a darker side. Novello occasionally takes on the absurdities of the rich and powerful, pointing out with razor-sharp wit that “Look! These folks are naked. The Emperor has no clothes. They are not only naked, they are also stupid.” Having spent 65 years in classrooms, either as a student or a teacher, I feel qualified to assert that President Trump’s recent proposal that a good response to the continuing national disgrace of school shootings would be to arm classroom teachers falls beyond the pale of rational thought.  Frankly the proposal calls into question the President’s mental health.  It is clear from his personal history that at one time Donald Trump was a cagey businessman, adept at working a complex commercial world to his personal advantage. This recent proposal provides no indication of such acumen. Rather it seems to reveal evidence of significant intellectual decline. It hints of the aggressive and irrational outbursts commonly found in the victims of dementia. As such it becomes a natural target for Lazlo Toth: Real American.  If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, I hope Mr. Novello will accept my poaching on his nom de plume as just such a tribute from a fellow Buckeye.] 

====================

Right On Mr. President!

Well, I guess you Trumped those fake crisis actors from Florida! “Trumped,” get it? Ha ha. I don’t understand why there haven’t always been guns in classrooms. I mean guns for the teachers - forget that ruler on the knuckles, or a quick swat on the butt. Guns for the teachers! Yeah! I bet our founding Four Fathers didn’t leave their muskets at home when they rode over to the old one room school house! And how about Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett and John Wayne? Real Americans with guns!

But, Mr. President, here's an idea that might play better in the faking liberal press. “Tasers for Teachers!” It fits really well on a bumpersticker or as a hashtag. And there are other good things about the idea. Saving money! With tasers whining teachers can’t come asking for money for school budgets, books and stuff instead of guns. Tasers are cheaper than guns! And they don’t use expensive bullets!  Have you checked the price of ammunition for an AR-15 these days? Disgraceful! How are we supposed to defend ourselves at those prices!? Besides, from what I see on TV you get two taser-thingies that shoot out every time you pull the trigger! Twice the chance of hitting what you shoot at!  No need to pay for target training!  And dual purpose. If you just crank the charge down a bit, teachers could use the tasers on the students too! Those smart-aleck kids in the back row who are always laughing and checking their Facebook pages? Let’s see if they are still laughing after they catch a few thousand volts from the teacher’s taser! 

I think this could be really big Mr. President! The National Taser Association!!  Yeah! Yeah for the NTA!!  Scoop up those chicken companies who are abandoning the good old NRA!

Yours for safe schools! 

Lazlo Toth, Real American

Make America Grate Again!

=====================

.