I don't have a specific gentleman in mind - rather the idea of a gentle man; a man who is gentle. The Brits still cling to a sort of system, harking back to "the days of old, when knights were bold." At the top of the heap you had the nobility, those folks who can trace their linage to the royal family. Those who, given opportunities presented by death, war, sickness or assassination, might actually become Queen or King. A group not renowned for their gentleness. Nor were their hired head breakers - the knights, Lancelot and that crowd.
But there was another level of society, those at the back of the book in Burke's Peerage - the gentry. While not pretenders to the throne, they were thought to be models of gentility. Sort of nobility without the carnage. They were supposed to be polite, well-spoken, gentle, kind, brave, clean and reverent. No wait, those last three were from the Scout Law. But you get the idea. Gentlemen were supposed to be gentle, as were gentlewomen when given the opportunity.
I seem to seek in vain for contemporary remnants of these progenitors of human gentleness, of loving kindness. The liturgies of most organized religions do assert them - and elements of some do actually manifest those behaviors. Yet, sadly, as we examine the hot, or even the merely smoldering, spots of conflict around the world, we often discover that the conflict revolves around a disagreement as to whose god is the right god.
But I can't personally pour any oil on those troubled global waters, I'll leave that to the petrochemical companies - sorry, couldn't resist. What I mean is I can't really champion gentleness on a global scale - a task that objectively seems beyond the pontifications of the White House and other self-serving global figures who talk peace while simultaneously threatening, preparing for, or engaging in, greater armed conflict. But maybe we can each individually "play gentleness forward."
It's not really that hard. Do little things. First off - don't yell. It is a natural inclination, even to ourselves: you stub your toe, drop a glass, get cut off by a rude driver. Yelling seems natural, but fight the inclination. Try not to yell, swear, make rude gestures. It's tough sometimes, but your cardiovascular system will thank you. Keep that blood pressure just rolling along - Old Man River it.
Best place to practice this primary manifestation of gentleness is at home. Here are some phrases guaranteed to make your home a more gentle, yell-free, calmer place: Thank you. Please. You're welcome. Let me help you with that. No, you go first. I'm sorry. Is there something wrong? Want to talk about it? You look nice today. I love you.
Go ahead, add some more examples of your own. Things you'd like to say or hear in the house. We all know them. We just seem to forget to trot them out when they would do the most good. Practice. Now, once you get used to using them at home, try taking them out for a spin. While driving. When you are shopping. Eating at a restaurant. At work. Anywhere you rub elbows with your fellow citizens: "No, you go ahead." "Take that spot. I'll drive around.""I'm going to go grab a coffee, fruit juice, snack, apple, orangutan. Can I get you one?"
These are terribly simple things we can all do, many of them come right out of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. But the problem is that these behaviors are not seen as pathways to success in American culture.
Our local heroes more often leap aggressively from our various videos, sporting events, music, politics. Slam, bam! Good guys take down the bad guys in a plethora of streaming thriller videos. (Yeah. One of my guilty pleasures. I'm trying to cut back.) Sports gives us: Defense! Hit that line! Crash the boards! (Another of my trials - football for schools where I taught. I, at least, think about CTE, and don't cheer at hard hits.) Politics leads with: Liar! Fake News! Bad man! She Belongs in Jail! The City is a disaster! Send in the National Guard! Join ICE help root out the baddest of the bad! And today there are reports of 10K American troops standing off the coast of Venezuela.
But it could be worse. A dose of schadenfreude reveals these tidbits from today's international news:
"Rapid Support Forces kills 460 patients at a hospital in el-Fasher, the capital of North Darfur." And "Brazilian police raid on a drug gang in Rio de Janeiro Tuesday kills at least 119 people—the city's deadliest raid on record."
It all sure adds a sour note to the morning coffee, not? Why do we act this way? What forces the notion of gentleness back into hazy visions of romantic pasts that might never have really been? I do not know. I don't buy the notion that we are still chained to the violent inclinations of our atavistic prehistory. But I have a suggestion for at least claiming the feeling that one is injecting a touch of gentleness into a frighteningly hostile world:
As much as possible lead a personally gentle life. I'm not suggesting a kind of life of pure behavioral pacifism where you seek out a monastic retreat and spend your days in solitary prayer. Nah, nothing that extreme. Just start by using some of that gentle vocabulary we constructed above. Then once you can "talk the talk," move into "walking the walk." Be gentle with yourself and with those who touch your life.
Suggestions that, of course, allow me to trot out my old mantra for trying to live a "good life": Foster Harmony (aka gentleness), Enable Beauty, Distill Complexity, and Oppose Harm.
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