Don't Worry, Be Happy

😁

In every life we have some trouble

But when you worry, you make it double

Don't worry, be happy.

• Bobby McFerrin

A catchy little lyric, that has the ability to get stuck in your brain, keeping you humming as you move through the mundane chores of the day. But surely, you think a bit naive out here in the real world. Just look at the news. Don't worry? Really?

Our house is full of paintings, paintings, sculpture, and books. I do my "stuff," - hate to call it work - in the basement. When I go downstairs I naturally pass a shelf running along the stairs. A narrow shelf barely able to contain all the books we have stashed along there. I sometimes glance at a little book - really little - a paperback 4 x 3 inches and about a half an inch thick. It has a picture of the Dalai Lama on the cover and bears the predictable title The Pocket Dali Lama. I admit I often flashed on a scene in my mind, an Edward Hopper kind of scene: a lonely, disheveled person on a subway, raining outside, forlornly clutching this little book, and seeking solace.

But when I actually picked it up and looked inside an entirely different scene springs to mind: a comfy bench in a sun-drenched park, sitting in the shade, a smiling person gazes out at some kids throwing a frisbee, while a fountain bubbles softly in the background. Because you see, the book is all about finding happiness.

My mother had a oft repeated saying whenever confronted with a seemingly intractable situation: "If I had a magic wand I'd . . . " It was her version of "If I ruled the world I'd do 'such and such.'" As I have written earlier I have a problem with the idea of an interventionist deity who reaches down and impacts our lives. The problem being if you give such an entity this power to do good, miraculous things, it sadly follows that the deity has also failed to prevent that which is equally evil. That reflection, however, does not prevent me from considering what I would do if given my mother's magic wand - if I ruled the world.

I have written earlier that I believe that love ought to be the core of human values. I'm not backing off of that assertion. But we need to keep in mind the fact that love - as addressed in Greek philosophy comes in a couple of wrappings.

First there is agape - which a quick internet search confirms my memory from Greek classes back at Kalamazoo College in the late 60s - "is the highest, most selfless form of love. Rooted in ancient Greek philosophy, it describes unconditional, sacrificial love that prioritizes the well-being of others without expecting anything in return." And that is an excellent core concept. 

However, the second wrapping is eros - the stem of erotic. Defined, again from both the internet and my memory; "eros is passionate, romantic, and sensual love. Rooted in ancient Greek philosophy, it is characterized by deep physical attraction, intense infatuation, and a desire for emotional or sexual intimacy." [See Dr. Poggi? We did pay attention to those lectures on love.] Anyhow, it is that second wrapping that makes me inclined to swap happiness for love as my first choice for what I would declare as the universal state for humanity - if I ruled the world. World! Be happy!

You see the problem with love - in the second, eros, wrapping - is that it is not a guarantee of happiness. As a matter of fact if we use love songs as any indication, "passionate, romantic, and sensual love" is a heartache waiting to happen. I could provide examples from across a variety of the arts - starting, oh, say with Romeo and Juliet, through He Stopped Loving Her Today, and most of Patsy Cline's major hits. But you have your own examples from your favorite era and genres. Unrequited love hurts.

Happiness doesn't hurt. Our culture often tells us that a variety of other objectives; fame, money, power, success in a variety of fields, will bring happiness. Still there are many who live simple lives without any of those accolades, yet are happy.

This is where I should provide some formula for capturing the illusive butterfly of happiness. Alas, I cannot because happiness is a personal thing. It is like the glib definition of fine art "I don't know what it is - but I know it when I see it." We may not have a precise definition, but I think we all know what "happy" feels like. So the route to happiness must include obtaining happiness as a goal in the choices we make in all aspects of our life. Choose that which you believe will make you happy. Avoid that which will not.

But and this is a major but - I feel that we must also consider the impact of our choices for our happiness on others. The extent to which our choices make others unhappy must be considered - but does not automatically eliminate such choices. Too often life moves people into situations that advantage others - but at the cost of their own happiness. The price for terminating those situations may be initially painful - but losing sight of happiness is, in the long run, a deeper pain.

I feel I need to include some thoughts bouncing around in my head about how making "happy choices" may be more difficult for women because of some "cultural norms" embedded in what is commonly called the "patriarchy" - a phrase which I, as a "pater," don't fully understand - but here are my thoughts.

Women have traditionally been seen as the primary caregiver in the household. So "givers" not so much "takers." This role has leached into society as a whole, leading to assumptions that women should choose for the needs of others and not so much their own needs. Well, obviously - I would hope - this throws a big obstacle into the notion that one should choose that which makes you happy. If you are a touch obsessed with making others happy, or how you appear to others, it is unavoidable that you fail to make choices for your own happiness. Don't do that. Choose your own happiness.

However, the nuclear family - mother/father/kids/dog or cat - remains the norm in our society. So having either the man or the woman simply making purely self-serving "happy choices" is a recipe for conflict and unhappiness - leading, at least in part, to our high divorce rate, particularly - according to Pew research - among couples in long-standing marriages, "grey marriages". Maybe one partner finally opting to make some "happy" choices they felt were missing in the marriage? I dunno. But part of the answer must lie in negotiation. A "happy" family is one in which everyone gets a piece of the "happy pie."

In her 1973 hit, I Will Always Love You, Dolly Parton sings: I wish you joy and happiness. But above all of this, I wish you love.

She should have stopped after the first sentence.