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As I was leaving the building yesterday the Dean stopped me and said: "I learned something about you that I never knew."
"What is that?" I asked, a bit hesitantly as this is not something one often hears from your Dean.
"You have a personal, signed Cat in the Hat note from Dr. Suess."
"I do, yes, I do."
It all started about 10 years ago - maybe longer when in a strange fit I penned the following homage to the classic Suess work "If I Ran the Zoo." I sent it off to him and he replied with the attached "Thank you note." What a classy man.
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If I Ran the Lab
By
Robert L. Schrag
“It’s a pretty good lab,” said weird Harold McNab,
“Though the egghead who runs it is really a crab.
And the work that they turn out’s not quality work,
‘Cause the Project Director’s a bit of a jerk.
But if I ran the lab, said weird Harold McNab,
I’d splice up some genes not halfway so drab
As the genes they’ve been splicing ‘round here up ‘til now.
When it comes to strange genotypes, I’d show them how!!
First I’d change the lab’s name from ‘Ace Genes and Research’
To ‘Home of the Weirdest New Gene Types on Earth
And the Strangest New Creatures in this Universe.’
As a name with a grab, that’s not really bad.
And each creature’s rear, when released from my lab
Would carry this label: New Genes by McNab.
There’d be no starting small with bacteriumasis,
I’d jump right on in with a creature colossus
A beastie that started life out as a fungus,
Now stretches from Pittsburg to southwest Columbus.
I’ll call this new creature a Fermi-o-fump
‘Cause we’ll use it on Tuesdays for a nuclear dump.
And the glow that it gives for the rest of the week,
Reduces the oil we now buy from the Shiek.
I’d move on to grain the following morn,
And I’d whip up a Superdee-Popper-d’Corn,
A version that passes an elephant’s eye
And tops out in August at forty feet high!
With self-popping kernels of one pound or two,
And cobs, that when carved, make a nifty canoe,
The shucking’s made simple with an easy pull tab,
That grows on this nifty new corn by McNab!
And the Superdee-Popper-d’Corn’s not alone,
There’s another new corn-type that begs to be grown.
I’ll call it The Ultimate Cornflake Created
‘Cause the leaf on this monocot corn is mutated
To form cereal bowls for all those who’ve waited
For ready-made breakfasts, organic, prefab,
And grown from those fabulous genes by McNab.
They say rice is nice and easy to breed,
And here at McNab’s lab we’ll make what you need.
No domestic rice, all tamed down and mild,
Here in my lab I will start with rice wild.
Then we’ll splice in some genes from a hot chili pepper,
Add tomatoes, add onions, bring garlic you schlepper!
And when this new rice in the free open air grows,
You’ll smell why we named it McNab Rice Rancheros!
And wheat is quite neat, but it too is too bland.
So here at McNab lab we’ll all lend a hand
And whip up a wheat strain a touch more exciting
Than wheats that are currently palates delighting.
First, amber wheat’s nice and is fabled in song,
But to leave it just amber is certainly wrong.
We need purple wheat and blue wheat, don’t y’know?
We will whip up a strain called Wheat Eau d’Rainbow!
Just think of the bread you could bake with this stuff!
Why MOMA’s main hall will not be big enough
To display all the wares that will end baked goods drab,
Another triumph for New Genes by McNab!
The next thing we folks at McNab’s lab will dare
Is to clone a whole forest from Grandma’s best chair.
We’ll not talk about copies or facsimiles,
But the very same genes from those very old trees,
The trees that were old when Abe Lincoln was young,
Good wood from the days when the country’d begun.
But don’t worry my Earth Friends, no logging’s in store
When a chair from New Genes by McNab hits the floor.
There’s been no clear cutting or practices grim,
We pick all our chairs from the end of a limb.
They grow right out there, in patterns quite fab,
All thanks to those coded New Genes by McNab.
But it’s time to quit dealing with things vege-table,
Let’s move to the animal kingdom while able.
I’m sure there’re some beasties just waiting for life
To spring from McNab lab’s new gene splicing knife.
For example, the Porker d’Piggy His Nibs,
Engineered for the South, made completely of ribs,
And his littermate, Porker d’Piggy Foo Foo,
Who grows into two tons of pulled Bar BQ!
These swiney, so finey, are just the first stab,
At creating great beasts with New Genes by McNab.
But while pork is quite nice, and Pig Foo Foo’s divine,
For the kosher food market we will take a bovine,
And splice in the genes of the sea swimming salmon.
And the creature we get will be perfect, dear madam,
To serve at Bar Mitzvahs and Sisterhood talks
For where else could you find a nice brisket of lox?
And then when we manage to pull this one off,
You will hear a great cheer – ‘To McNab! Mazel Tov!’
In addition to ethnic food one must, these days,
Meet the market demand for the holiday craze,
When dishes traditional must grace the table,
Whether or not the poor sous chef is able.
Thanksgiving’s a day that is tied to a feast,
But the cook in the kitchen just slaves like a beast!
There’s turkey and hams, mashed potatoes and yams,
For guests that your family hauled home in four trams!
And pies without number, pumpkin and mincemeat,
Put the finishing touch on this holiday treat.
But while the stuffed-full relatives roll out the door
The cooked-out old cook slowly slumps to the floor.
That’s how it once was, but McNab says, ‘No more!’
McNab’s new research has made such a break-through,
That a holiday meal is no task you must ache through.
By blending the genes of one fowl and two grains,
Add a couple of fruits, save the best from each strain,
We’ve created a creature that looks quite beserky,
It’s the Eight-Legged, Four-Breasted Self-Stuffing Turkey!
And it nests in the oven to save you more steps,
Laying eggs that taste just like fresh vegetable crepes.
So the main course and side dishes now hit the slab
In one beast, from those folks at New Genes by McNab!
But we won’t stop there with dessert to be made.
To ignore the last course fails to service the trade.
So we’ll whip up a plant called The-Pie-In-the-Sky
That grows out the window, six feet or so high.
And the pies that it grows have already been baked,
Boasting crusts upon which reputations are staked.
Plus, it’s crossed with a grasshopper so it is able
To walk cross the floor and hop up on the table.
There it’s served, like the rest of the meal, upon dishes
That are grown on the back of rare deep-diving fishes.
These dishes are cloned from some sweet English custard,
And are eaten at meal’s end with fine Spanish mustard.
When the last bite’s been eaten, Cook declares from a chair,
As well-fed descendants lounge ‘bout everywhere,
While a feeling of gratitude fills up the room,
‘Mid the lingering traces of dinner’s perfume,
‘Before all you kids start your games and your pranks,
To the Lord – and the folks at McNab’s – let’s give thanks.’
But the holidays come, at the most, once a year.
To make business sense it soon becomes clear
That McNab’s lab needs products so new and so strong
That the market demand remains high all year long.
So we’ll whip up more beasts with awesome new traits
That will leave all the other gene labs at the gate
When we introduce in our Fall catalog
Critters to set the whole country agog!
There’s the Grid-Lock-Reducer, a sort of a mammal,
A new type of gene type, an urban type camel
With legs well-designed to stride over the autos
That tie the world up in mechanical knotos!
It’s a creature that sees by both day and by night,
And in really tight places can even take flight,
Thanks to the genes of the Humbird Gigantus
That we dredged from the mud of mighty Atlantis!
And the Fast-Food-o’Fetcher’s a wonderful beast
With forty-eight Kangaroo pouches, at least,
To keep hot food hot, and to keep cold food cold,
That feature alone’s worth the beast’s weight in gold.
But we didn’t stop there, though we could have stopped, brudder,
Instead, in each pouch we designed a small udder
With spigots for ketchup and mustard and mayo
And an optional tap for the sauce of the day-o!
We think it’s a beast that you’ll find is ideal
To send out to fetch you a fine fast food meal!
For sub-urban folks we’ve designed a new steed,
That we modestly think is the best of the breed
For yard work and gardens that need some up-keeping
This beast the whole countryside soon will be sweeping.
It’s an Ovis-d’Bunny-cum-Elephantatus,
And wait ‘til you see what this creature has brought us!
Part sheep, it keeps lawns and curbsides neatly trimmed,
The bunny gene’s spliced upside down on a whim,
That causes the critter in vegetable beds,
To avoid eating veggies – it plants them instead!
And our garden consultant assures us it’s wiser
To use, in the place of some chem fertilizer,
An organic source of good food for the plants,
Hence, all of the genes from those huge elephants.”
“Soooooo. It’s a pretty good lab,” said weird Harold McNab.
“Though the stuff that they turn out is still far too drab.
I would sprinkle the world with some creatures quite fab.
Ah, I certainly would – if I ran the lab.”
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